The lifetime consequences of a divorce on a child, and the 'new' family.
Blended family

The side effects of divorce

It saddens me how our world makes divorce the norm. This article is written for married couples in different stages of their marriage; rocky or otherwise. It’s not for those who are in an abusive marriage, a spouse who’s a serial gambler or cheater, etc.
It’s also for those of you who are thinking of getting married.

 

Let me begin with the lamest duh-mest statement: Divorce is not pretty.
Of course, it’s not pretty, one would say. Breaking up is painful, and it’s a bloody mess. But after the divorce, it should be a happier future, right?

Well…for some of us who haven’t experience living the mess; months on, years on, I will attempt to share a glimpse of life after divorce.

First up, let me clarify, I ain’t divorced. My husband is. I married a divorcee with the sole custody of his beloved daughter.

Secondly, this is a reflection of my personal experience. If you are living a happily-ever-after unscarred life after divorce, I’m happy for you.

Thirdly, it’s not meant to downplay the difficulties of a marriage relationship.

With that said, let’s dive into the most important message of this article:

 

The consequences of a broken family last a lifetime.

Let me repeat, l-i-f-e-t-i-m-e.
Lifetime.
Lifetime.
Lifetime.

If you don’t read on, just remember the above statement.

 

Here’re the side-effects of divorce which I’m still dealing with after a decade and regularly.

 

In no particular order:

  1. Trying to reduce the pain of the divorce for my step-daughter with more love, but.

  2. Daughter is tired of going back & forth two houses.

  3. Daughter is coping with having no say in bio-mum & dad’s plans in moving her around.

  4. Daughter misses bio-mum and misses dad, but they are not together. Torn.

  5. Me trying hard not to feel rejected, but.

  6. Handling the backlash that surfaced from years of the daughter being shuffled back & forth her dad & bio-mum.

  7. Getting angry at bio-mum for regularly not keeping to her words of sending daughter back on days that she said she would, but.

  8. Feeling helpless when bio-mum insists on her plans and we can’t confront her because we don’t want our daughter to be caught in-between.

  9. Learning to suppress disappointment when we made plans with our daughter but bio-mum decided on a whim not to send her back.
    (So you think it won’t be complicated to arrange for your kids to be shuffled over the weekends, or holidays to see the other parent?)

  10. Me feeling like an idiot when husband talks with daughter and the word ‘mummy’ came up and to the eaves-dropper, that word is obviously not referring to me.

  11. Daughter during her tender age of seven comes home from seeing her bio-mum and cries her heart out because she misses her. And there’s NOTHING I can do to take that pain away.

  12. People making statements to me like ‘oh, she’s not your daughter, is it?’

  13. People making statements to me like ‘why don’t you have one of your OWN? It’s different, you know.’

  14. People asking ‘does she like you’?

  15. People ‘advising’ me as a stepmum to leave the raising and disciplining of the child to the father.

  16. Mother-in-law said a few years back ‘when our daughter grows up; she will go back to her bio-mother’.

  17. I’m scarred. Still not able to rub those statement off my mind.

  18. Me feeling that because there is no bloody umbilical cord, we may not have that kind of bond as mother & child.

  19. Whenever I chose to believe otherwise, statement 12-16 came back to haunt me.

Rinse & repeat.

 

My heart’s burden is for the naivety of some parents thinking (hoping?) that their kids will be fine eventually.

Yes, they’ll cope.

But no, they’ll be affected and will be for the rest of their lives.

And so will your life.

Please give your marriage a fighting chance. 

 

 


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4 Comments

  • Rue

    Hugs! May you draw strength from God always! It’s not easy for your step-daughter too I’m sure. Divorce is never the best for children, regardless how mature i grow into. I just kinda had to learn how to deal with my divorced parents better as i grow older, managing both ends…which at the very beginning i don’t have to spend such energy and could have spent on cultivating something better. Sometimes can feel fed up juggling diff attention for diff parents. All the more I realised how much I need God for wisdom and strength. May you continue to point your step-daughter to Jesus, so that she may grow up strong in this journey.😘

    • admin

      Thank you, Rue, for sharing your experience too. Indeed, how grateful we are to have a God that we can rely on for much-needed strength! 🙂

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