“Could this be how it feels like if my husband is no longer around?”—asked my heart, as I trod out of the church auditorium into a sea of people who were mostly chatting with someone—while I stood there momentarily lost, and alone.
Ever since he got diagnosed with lymphoma, I didn’t ruminate on the possibilities of losing him. However, that thought outside the church auditorium floated out of nowhere, and it made my heart grimaced in the pain of imaginary loss.
This sudden reality-check would surface (though not regular nor often) in different scenarios—when I’m having breakfast alone at our favourite breakfast corner at home; in the middle of the night when I stir and felt his warmth beside me; when he is making coffee for both of us—simple routines which I have grown to love because the man who I love dearly is in those routines.
Every time it surfaces, my heart would take a sharp gasp in pain. When I start speculating on the overwhelming possibilities of what would happen to him, but then I quickly ended those unhelpful thoughts—I still felt it; fear.
The kind that would paralyse me if I let it grow.
The kind that would render me powerless and useless to anyone if I let it overwhelm me.
The kind that would steal my joy and peace if I buy into the lies of destructive imagination.
“The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy.”
Though the imagined situations may not be real—my fear is real—and I want to acknowledge my fear. Would I desire perfect peace which Jesus promises to those who trust in Him? Are you kidding me? Of course, I would.
But, expecting to have perfect peace all the time in our imperfect world would be, to me, insane wishful-thinking. Hence, I’m learning to accept unpleasant emotions such as fear, in my life.
However, I refuse to allow it go further to the path of destruction.
So, I told the devil, not today.
Whenever an ounce of self-pity rears its ugly head, pointing out the mounting troubles in my life—still, those mess stands no chance in the face of Love.
For as there are many troubles, there are even more blessings that I’ve learnt to recognise. I’m made rich when I’m poorer.In the lack of “things-going-right”, through a season of pain when I almost went into depression, I’ve learned to be extremely thankful for little things. And the love demonstrated by people through acts of care.
When I’m tempted with all the logical, humane reasons to feel sorry for myself, I remember a thousand things that I’m grateful for. Most of all, I remember the one Promise who will stand by me.
So, I told the devil, not today.
“The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows].” JOHN 10:10 AMP
And I resume my journey of learning to live one day at a time.
This song “Not Today” is a song from Hillsong United that I sing out loud with gusto to replace my fear with praise for God. I pray that whatever situation you may be in, this song will give you the power boost that no motivational quote can give—for this power comes from God’s love to you.
Not Today Lyrics
Words and Music by Joel Houston & Matt Crocker
Posted with permission from my hubs. You may also like to read this post.