Grieving over my mom

It’s been in my head for months. To write and write and write about my grief.

Pour, pour, pour.

I’m not sure if it will help me heal. But after one year plus, I deserve to face myself. Face my grief. From within me to words.

‘Your mom will always be in your heart.’
I don’t want her to be in my heart, I want her to be with me.

A year later, to still ask, ‘why’- Why was my mom not healed… is just plain silly and utterly pointless. I know that.

I know she is in heaven, an eternity with God. But yet the human part of me falls.

Missed call from mi

Was busy in the study room. The mobile phone rang. Didn’t bother to walk out and answer it as it was in the living room.
When I settled down and check the missed call, and I thought, “eh, mi called me.”

Split second later, my brain recovered from the confusion because it realised it was my stepdad using my late mother’s phone to call me.

Mi calling me is something that will never ever happen again.

She always reminds me to call her every Sunday. Now I don’t have to.

I don’t have to do anything for her anymore. Whether I like it or it suits my schedule.
Her schedule has nothing to do with me anymore.

I can’t even describe the pain.

Mummy could be 58 today

If mummy is still in this earthly world, we will be celebrating her 58th birthday today.

I’m not sure how this age thing works in heaven, is she 4 months old now?

I’m glad we’ve organized a nice birthday celebration for you last year, chemo-bald head and all. That’s the final year.

I remember she always organizes & celebrates my birthday up until 12 years old. She and my aunts.

People asked me if I’m ok. I don’t know, is this pain ok? I guess so. Part of grief. Part of me knows and gives praise to Him. Part of me addresses the pain with cusses in my head: “This su*cks big time!!”

I wonder since its Good Friday today, what’s happening in the heavenly realm?

Pain pain, go away

It’s Chinese New Year,
A first without mom,
Didn’t know that it’ll be that weird,
To celebrate and laugh while my heart still hurts.

I’ve been thinking of her,
Her roaring laughter still ringing in my ears,
I can see her pottering in the kitchen,
Dishing out my favorite dishes that she knows I love.
These I have no more,
And it’s the heartache that’s left to endure.
Oh how we boast about our future,
When nothing on earth is secure.

I keep my eyes on Jesus,
When all is too much to bear,
Lay my weary head on Him,
To Him I try to cast my cares.

I know mom is in heaven,
A place she can call home for eternity,
No more awful earthly suffering,
For this I’m thankful for His mercy.

But to this I am but a human,
Of flesh and blood I’m made,
And till I return to dust and back to Him,
I guess this hurts and pain will never really fade away?

Offline

Will there be a time when I see the notifications

and don’t have to fight back my tears?

Mummy’s email, Skype, phone, Facebook is permanently offline. I can’t reach her any more.

Of heaven and my mom the angel

Today is Christmas Day. It’s the day when Jesus is born.

It’s also the 1st anniversary of my mum’s baptism.

A month that my mum has gone home to the Lord.

I wonder how heaven is like?

I wonder if she can see us from heaven?

I wonder if God appoints her to be an angel in heaven now?

But she must be. I think she is an angel sent down to earth many years ago and now her job is done.

For how can anyone love so many people unconditionally?

How can she be so ever forgiving to her mother who abandoned five of them when they can barely fend for themselves at ages 6, 10, 16…??!!

How can she give so much love?

How can she sacrifice so much without asking for anything in return?

How can she do all these if not for love?

And Christ is love. And forgiveness. Therefore she must be an angel sent from God.

I wonder if I can still say sorry to her for all my wrongs.

Or is it unnecessary to do so in heaven?

I know I’m forgiven. Both by Jesus and by my mom. But I really just want to say I’m sorry that I repay her sacrifices with ungrateful things I had done.

I wonder if she had a great party in heaven today since its Christmas?

Is she sleeping on soft, fluffy clouds?

I wonder if God’s voice is the only voice I can hear or I can, too, hear her voice?

I wonder and wonder, will she be my mummy forever and ever when we meet one day in heaven?

Abba Father, your answers?