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Life lessons

Still missing my mummy after two years

Dear God,

You’ve answered some of my silliest littlest prayers like, “Dear God, help me enjoy the process of this dreaded grocery shopping and housekeeping.”

In my immature way, I wished and wished my prayer of letting my mum be with me for much longer, be traded with the rest and be answered instead.

I wished that she has the chance now to enjoy a better daughter. We would have such a wonderful relationship now that I’ve learnt how to love.

But Your ways are a mystery. And it’s beyond my comprehension.

The only comfort is that I’m assured that mummy is safe with You in heaven. Two years free of earthly pain, suffering and sorrow.

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Life lessons

Of heaven and my mum, the angel

Today is Christmas Day. It’s the day when Jesus is born.

It’s also the 1st anniversary of my mum’s baptism.

A month after my mum has gone home to the Lord.

I wonder how heaven is like?

I wonder if she can see us from heaven?

I wonder if God appoints her to be an angel in heaven now?

But she must be. I think she is an angel sent down to earth many years ago and now her job is done.

For how can anyone love so many people unconditionally?

How can she be so ever forgiving to her mother who abandoned five of them when they can barely fend for themselves at ages 6, 10, 16…??!!

How can she give so much love?

How can she sacrifice so much without asking for anything in return?

How can she do all these if not for love?

And Christ is love. And forgiveness. Therefore she must be an angel sent from God.

I wonder if I can still say sorry to her for all my wrongs.

Or is it unnecessary to do so in heaven?

I know I’m forgiven. Both by Jesus and by my mum. But I really just want to say, “I’m sorry”. That I repaid her sacrifices with ungrateful things I had done.

I wonder if she had a great party in heaven today since it’s Christmas?

Is she sleeping on soft, fluffy clouds?

I wonder if God’s voice is the only voice I can hear or I can, too, hear her voice?

I wonder and wonder, will she be my mummy forever and ever when we meet one day in heaven?

Abba Father, your answers?

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Life lessons

A song of comfort—S’lalu Bersamaku

This song “S’lalu Bersamaku” (Always with me), by Indonesian worship singer, Sidney Mohede is on my playlist non-stop.

Amazingly beautiful song. You can feel the pain of the experience, yet with the assurance and comfort of God at the same time.

It was indeed aptly written when he was going through a difficult season in his life.

Only the Lord can comfort the deepest pain in our heart.

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Life lessons

What my mum’s cancer taught me about faith

It’s been 3 months plus since my world crashed upon learning of my mum’s advanced cancer.

Day by day, I learn to cope.

Day by day, I grow stronger.

Day by day, I learn to trust in Him.

Day by day, I pray.

Day by day, I learn to surrender.

Day by day, I learn to let go of guilt and despair.

Day by day, God is teaching me the meaning of life.

Day by day, He is guiding me to see what’s important.

To cherish each and every day.

To not sweat the small stuff.

Less complains. Complain… for what??
For what, when minutes are ticking by.

Day by day, I learn about perspective.
What is important.

Pride is not.
Ego is not.

Selfishness is not.

Who’s right, who’s wrong is not.

When our perspective changed, we find a lot of things are merely small stuff held tightly in our heart; hardening it, gripping our lives. Click To Tweet

At the back of my mind, I know that whatever happens next, I can’t really prepare for it. I don’t know the outcome. I can’t control the result. I just don’t know.

And that’s life.

Life is such that you can control the planning and do whatever you want, but you can’t control the outcome.

You can have the best counsellors and psychologist on earth, but when all is broken, faith is all you have. Faith is all you have to keep looking up, and walk one step, and the next.

The moment I realise this is the start of my journey in learning to let go of things I can’t control.

Update: After 14 months of battle with cancer, my mum who accepted Jesus as her God and Saviour, went home to be with Him. I still miss her so much. But I’m greatly comforted by the fact that I’ll see her again in Heaven.

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Life lessons

3 sms & a funeral

June 15th: My biological dad passed away early this morning. I’m going back to Penang this afternoon…kinda blur in my head now.

That was my SMS to three friends.

Now I’m back in KL. It was certainly a heavy trip to say the very least. But with huge meanings.

I re-learnt the meaning of family, love, forgiveness, friendship, support, sacrifice… and that my late father also listens to The Carpenters as I do.

I’m very glad that everyone got together after so many years. I’m happy to see my Ah Kong, Ah Ma, aunts, cousins & mummy sitting together… didn’t know my family is so big! For all my life, I’m the only ‘Yeoh’.

June 16th: My text message to a friend:

Appreciate your call. I’m ok. Kinda weird coz things r surreal, not logical, suddenly all families bk 2gether. So sudden. He is well-loved by all his siblings. My aunts r loving ppl. We look alike! I’m glad we had the chance2 meet last mth when we knew abt the illness. I hug him4 de 1st time, didn’t know it’s the last.

That’s life.

You won't know when it will be the last chance in life to do something. Click To Tweet

So for what’s its worth, I’m doing all I can to be a better person, and let go.

Let go of so many bondage that is weighing me down in other areas of my life. The ‘should’, the ‘must’, the quest to be right…

It ain’t gonna be easy, for Miss Control Freak to make like a jello and go with the flow, but I’m going to do what I can.

June 17th: Have u ever attended funeral with alcohol? I just had. 1st & last cheers of beer with my father. Finally started2 break me. But I held on. I hope 2mrw is not tough.

Now, I know where I got my beer genes from. (Sure, blame it on a dead person).

What nearly breaks me that night was the realization that we never sat down to clink our beer mugs together, and I’m doing it on the eve of his cremation.

On the actual funeral day, I had to lead the funeral procession as his only child. I wept silent tears as my head was bowed going through the prayers, drops after drops after drops.

Although kinda confused, there was a sense of peace through the sadness when I sat through the prayers for him, lead the procession, and watched as his coffin was wheeled into the cremation area and the metal door slides down.

Is that it?

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