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Stories

Still missing my mummy after two years

Dear God,

You’ve answered some of my silliest littlest prayers like, “Dear God, help me enjoy the process of this dreaded grocery shopping and housekeeping.”

In my immature way, I wished and wished my prayer of letting my mum be with me for much longer, be traded with the rest and be answered instead.

I wished that she has the chance now to enjoy a better daughter. We would have such a wonderful relationship now that I’ve learnt how to love.

But Your ways are a mystery. And it’s beyond my comprehension.

The only comfort is that I’m assured that mummy is safe with You in heaven. Two years free of earthly pain, suffering and sorrow.

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Poems

Everybody hurts sometimes (poem)

Everybody
Every soul
Every man
Every woman
Hurts.

Concealed with shiny cars
Make-up
Beer
Wine
Food
Position
Anger
Entertainment
Busyness
Silence.

Everybody hurts, a poem
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Poems

Let me move far far away (poem)

Let me move far far away
Away from this pool of bitterness
Away from these injustices
Away from these hurts
Away from this pain

Let me move far far away
Where I can be free
Where I am me

This place does not exist
It’s not real
It’s not on earth
It’s a dream

It exists only when God becomes bigger than me
It exists only when love is bigger than the hurts

But at this point, I’m just down on my knees with hurts and bitter-talk slashing my heart. Anger turned inward.

Let me move far far away from these.

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Poems

Fade away, pain (poem)

Fade away, pain

It’s Chinese New Year,
A first without mum,
Didn’t know that it’ll be that weird,
To celebrate and laugh while my heart still hurts.

I’ve been thinking of her,
Her roaring laughter still ringing in my ears,
I can see her pottering in the kitchen,
Dishing out my favourite dishes that she knows I love.
These I have no more,
And it’s the heartache that’s left to endure.
Oh, how we boast about our future,
When nothing on earth is secure.

I keep my eyes on Jesus,
When all is too much to bear,
Lay my weary head on Him,
To Him, I try to cast my cares.

I know mum is in heaven,
A place she can call home for eternity,
No more awful earthly suffering,
For this, I’m thankful for His mercy.

But to this, I am but a human,
Of flesh and blood, I’m made,
And till I return to dust and back to Him,
I guess this hurts and pain will never really fade away?

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Stories

Of heaven and my mum, the angel

Today is Christmas Day. It’s the day when Jesus is born.

It’s also the 1st anniversary of my mum’s baptism.

A month after my mum has gone home to the Lord.

I wonder how heaven is like?

I wonder if she can see us from heaven?

I wonder if God appoints her to be an angel in heaven now?

But she must be. I think she is an angel sent down to earth many years ago and now her job is done.

For how can anyone love so many people unconditionally?

How can she be so ever forgiving to her mother who abandoned five of them when they can barely fend for themselves at ages 6, 10, 16…??!!

How can she give so much love?

How can she sacrifice so much without asking for anything in return?

How can she do all these if not for love?

And Christ is love. And forgiveness. Therefore she must be an angel sent from God.

I wonder if I can still say sorry to her for all my wrongs.

Or is it unnecessary to do so in heaven?

I know I’m forgiven. Both by Jesus and by my mum. But I really just want to say, “I’m sorry”. That I repaid her sacrifices with ungrateful things I had done.

I wonder if she had a great party in heaven today since it’s Christmas?

Is she sleeping on soft, fluffy clouds?

I wonder if God’s voice is the only voice I can hear or I can, too, hear her voice?

I wonder and wonder, will she be my mummy forever and ever when we meet one day in heaven?

Abba Father, your answers?

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Poems

If I knew this would be the last (poem)

Wrote this poem of regrets while grieving the loss of my mum.

If I knew this would be the last

If I knew this would be…

The last time I can kiss you

The last time I can smell your hair

The last time I can hear you say, love, love you

The last time you can smile

The last time you can laugh

The last time we can walk hand-in-hand along the seaside

The last time you can call my phone

I would have said everything I need to say to you when you still can respond to me

“If I knew this would be the last”…

is a terrible thing to say;

a terrible feeling to have.

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Poems

Respirator (poem)

I wrote this during one difficult night, praying for sleep to come, as I need to drive a four hours journey back to my hometown to see my mum who’s suffering from cancer.

I felt like I’m on a respirator. And it’s keeping me alive with precious oxygen. I can hear my breathing.

Respirator, poem. I wrote this during one difficult night, praying for sleep to come

Respirator

As I lay on my bed trying to sleep,
watching the clock ticking by,
I realised that its getting harder and harder,
to quiet the cries I have inside.

Knowing that I can lose my mom at any time,
with many things that I’ve yet to do for her,
cuts me with despair.
As I lay defeated;
a fish gasping for air.

An image of myself down on the ground I see,
the only thing helping me to breathe,
is The Word of God,
the Holy Spirit,
my Father,
my Lord,
my Jesus—the Holy Trinity.

He is the respirator coursing through my veins
keeping my spirits alive
in a steady hum
and with assuring beats,
breathing life into me.

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Navigating life's challenges & emotional pain

A song of comfort—S’lalu Bersamaku

This song “S’lalu Bersamaku” (Always with me), by Indonesian worship singer, Sidney Mohede is on my playlist non-stop.

Amazingly beautiful song. You can feel the pain of the experience, yet with the assurance and comfort of God at the same time.

It was indeed aptly written when he was going through a difficult season in his life.

Only the Lord can comfort the deepest pain in our heart.

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Poems

I thank You, Father (poem)

This is my first poem. Never thought I’m a person who would write a poem, but there you go. Inspired by the love for God.

I thank You, Father

As I lay on my bed
I think of days passed by
And I thank you, Lord
For Your guidance on how to live my life

Grace, kindness, love
And joy in my heart
This You impart

Shrewd as a serpent
Innocent as a dove
What a concept!
That only can come from the heavens above!

Allow me to be your humble servant
Show me the way
To use your gifts to me
And serve others in Your glorious ways.

I thank you, Father
For it could only be You
Who can change my heart
And let me live my life anew.

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Stories

What my mum’s cancer taught me about faith

It’s been 3 months plus since my world crashed upon learning of my mum’s advanced cancer.

Day by day, I learn to cope.

Day by day, I grow stronger.

Day by day, I learn to trust in Him.

Day by day, I pray.

Day by day, I learn to surrender.

Day by day, I learn to let go of guilt and despair.

Day by day, God is teaching me the meaning of life.

Day by day, He is guiding me to see what’s important.

To cherish each and every day.

To not sweat the small stuff.

Less complains. Complain… for what??
For what, when minutes are ticking by.

Day by day, I learn about perspective.
What is important.

Pride is not.
Ego is not.

Selfishness is not.

Who’s right, who’s wrong is not.

When our perspective changed, we find a lot of things are merely small stuff held tightly in our heart; hardening it, gripping our lives. Click To Tweet

At the back of my mind, I know that whatever happens next, I can’t really prepare for it. I don’t know the outcome. I can’t control the result. I just don’t know.

And that’s life.

Life is such that you can control the planning and do whatever you want, but you can’t control the outcome.

You can have the best counsellors and psychologist on earth, but when all is broken, faith is all you have. Faith is all you have to keep looking up, and walk one step, and the next.

The moment I realise this is the start of my journey in learning to let go of things I can’t control.

Update: After 14 months of battle with cancer, my mum who accepted Jesus as her God and Saviour, went home to be with Him. I still miss her so much. But I’m greatly comforted by the fact that I’ll see her again in Heaven.

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