This happened a few months ago.
Weird how an ugly haircut triggered a series of events…
I wanted to save money on a haircut, so I did something completely out of character. Instead of going to my trusted hairdresser, I took a risk and went to trim my hair at an express hair cut outlet. I walked out looking like I’m about to go to prison. I dread having to face people. #vain
That brought to the surface (weirdly)—years of gunk which I haven’t dealt with but need to.
So, I Whatsapp my pastor and told him these three things:
- I’m drained physically and mentally.
- I’m furious, cynical, bitter, and resentful. I want to get out from this prison—I don’t know how.
- Yes. I still can do my work. But I need space and flexibility to work from home. To sort things out away from the routine of forcing myself to go into the office—and face the increased toil of ‘behaving’ in public when instead, I felt like crashing.
My pastor without further questioning said yes, please go ahead. He understood my situation. #grateful
So I did the responsible thing and informed my team about the temporary plan that I will be in and out of the office more often. I didn’t dive into details. I think they sorta know I’m going through sh*t.
Today, I packed my laptop and stepped out of the office. Felt blur and directionless. Although I wasn’t leaving the office permanently, I felt sad. I asked, now what? I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t have any planned counselling.
There’s a ministering course which I wanted to go to receive inner healing for all these knots and mess, which I’ve been trying so hard to untangle but failed. The course, however, was fully booked until November. I questioned myself, how the heck am I going to get some handles to sort things out; now that I have carved the time to do so.
I started to doubt whether this new routine is worth to do, coz it’s more comfortable to go back to the old routine and plough through work and life. Like I always do.
But I have a hunch that—I can’t go on like this. I need to create space in my life. Space to do what, though, I don’t know. So, I took steps to do so, without knowing what’s next.
Then. In a matter of a few hours, I received news that one person pulled out of the ministering course, and I have the spot, would I want to join? Would I want to join?? Would I want to eat ice-cream on a blistering, hot day? I signed up immediately.
I don’t have to wait until November, coz God knows…(Yeah, He knows!) I only have to wait 1.5 days for the 2-day course to commence.
I don’t know what will happen during or after the ministering course. Would I be in so much emotional pain that I’ll feel like dying? I have been avoiding facing the pains full-on as I’m not sure that I can take it. What would I unearth?
What I do know is—God’s timing. It’s perfect, just like Him—He orchestrated my stepping away from the office and into this (scary) journey. And He loves me so, warts and all. He will walk me through this.
And these are all I need to know for now.
It’s a pain to learn how to place Him in the center of my life in e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.
Take my Monday offdays. It’s an indication of a trap I placed myself in in my life. I flipped restlessly between wanting to do nothing, or to just focus on 1 thing for that day and wanting to tick off things to do.
Driving daughter to school- check
Quiet time with God- check
When sometimes all I desire to do in my heart is to spend the entire day with Him. Or, spend the entire day just reading.
But sometimes, circumstances dictates that I do have to tick off those to-dos. Now what?
My husband had learnt the wise way of being thankful even when he is tired. That has helped him to focus away from the ‘chores’. And focus on Him.
Something that I struggled daily.
Stupidly, the more anxious I am flip-flopping between the two, the more time I’ve wasted.
I’m angry at myself for the stupidity and absurd way of managing things in my life. For someone who’s logical, I am certainly not handling things in a logical manner.
Even if the most logical thing is to center back to You. Because I know You will set things right.
It’s driving me nuts.
Lord, can You show me why do I punish myself this way when You offered a much peaceful way to live my life? (and I know about it but stupidly allow myself in the anxious trap).
“Because you are a control-freak” Says God/my mind.