This post is a way for me to process my thoughts—four days after knowing that my husband has cancer. It is also for our family and friends who are concerned with how we are feeling with the diagnosis. It is my prayer too that it’ll be a sharing of hope for you. Continue reading “Thoughts from my husband’s cancer diagnosis”
‘I want to swim again’
said my late mum to her oncologist when at her stage-4 cancer, he asked what is it that she wants to do (to encourage her). Fight she did, but she never got the chance to go into the pool ever again.
What is it that you want to do even if it’s just a simple thing—but you are giving yourself excuses not to?
Or, are you questioning ‘does it matter to do what I’m doing?’
I question myself many times about my role in the church office. I question my blogging; writing about God. I question myself even over this 365 daily word thingy. Does it matter? Will it make a difference to other people?
Hubs told me, ‘Even if you do it, you may not know in your lifetime whether it will matter. But if you don’t do it, you will NEVER know and will live with this niggling thought. Maybe even at your death bed; regret.’
#day3 #dailyword #dailycalligraphy #noregrets #makeadifference #365
Three months after I joyfully accepted Christ into my life, I received the shocking news that my mum was diagnosed with stage-four lung cancer.
Phases of grief- anger
As images of my mom suffering,fighting the battle, crying, breathing hard as water fills her lungs… kept floating in my mind,
I felt rage.
Despite all the will to fight, she suffers and dies.
The kind of rage that feels like punching the wall.
Her sufferings. My sweet lovely mom who did nothing but love others sacrificially. Suffered, crippled, gasping for air.
WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY??!!!!!!!
- back dated post December 2, 2012
Back dated post 22.11.2012 10:14am
I think I can understand why people get angry in challenging situations.
It’s one of the defense mechanism.
It’s an ‘easier’ feeling than to face the knife cuts of your heart.
Get angry, blame someone, blame God.
But where does that leads to?
In those times, who then can you rely on? But God and God alone.
So I chose not to entertain anger. I pray that I don’t fall into the devil’s trap.
I really felt like this- on a respirator, keeping me alive with precious oxygen. And I can hear my breathing.
As I lay on my bed trying to sleep,
Watching the clock ticking by,
I realized that its getting harder and harder,
to quiet the cries I have inside.
Knowing that I can lose my mom at anytime,
With many things that I’ve yet to do for her in her lifetime,
cuts me with despair;
as I lay defeated,
similiar to a fish gasping for air.
An image of myself down on the ground I see,
and the only thing that’s helping me breathe;
Is The Word of God,
the Holy Spirit,
the Holy Trinity.
He is the respirator coursing through my veins
keeping my spirits alive
in a steady hum
and with assuring beats,
breathing life into me.
– back dated posting on November 9, 2012
It’s been in my head for months. To write and write and write about my grief.
Pour, pour, pour.
I’m not sure if it will help me heal. But after 1 year plus, I deserve to face myself. Face my grief. From within me to words.
A year later, to still ask, ‘why’- Why was my mom not healed… is just plain silly and utterly pointless. I know that.
I know she is in heaven, an eternity with God. But yet the human part of me falls.