Peace amidst storm

Thoughts from my husband’s cancer diagnosis

This post is a way for me to process my thoughts—four days after knowing that my husband has cancer. It is also for our family and friends who are concerned with how we are feeling with the diagnosis. It is my prayer too that it’ll be a sharing of hope for you.

I’ll be posting more about this on this blog (and probably not anywhere else) from time to time. You can subscribe to my newsletter to receive updates whenever I post something new.  Continue reading →

calligraphy: grief

365 days calligraphy challenge: follow your heart

‘I want to swim again’

said my late mum to her oncologist when at her stage-4 cancer, he asked what is it that she wants to do (to encourage her). Fight she did, but she never got the chance to go into the pool ever again.

What is it that you want to do even if it’s just a simple thing—but you are giving yourself excuses not to?

Or, are you questioning ‘does it matter to do what I’m doing?’

I question myself many times about my role in the church office. I question my blogging; writing about God. I question myself even over this 365 daily word thingy. Does it matter? Will it make a difference to other people?
Hubs told me, ‘Even if you do it, you may not know in your lifetime whether it will matter. But if you don’t do it, you will NEVER know and will live with this niggling thought. Maybe even at your death bed; regret.’

So.
Swim.

#day3 #dailyword #dailycalligraphy #noregrets #makeadifference #365

Anger in griefing

Phases of grief- anger
1.12.2012 11:49pm

As images of my mom suffering,fighting the battle, crying, breathing hard as water fills her lungs… kept floating in my mind,

I felt rage.

Despite all the will to fight, she suffers and dies.

Rage.

The kind of rage that feels like punching the wall.

Screaming rage.

Her sufferings. My sweet lovely mom who did nothing but love others sacrificially. Suffered, crippled, gasping for air.

Tearing rage.

WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY??!!!!!!!

  • back dated post December 2, 2012

All road leads to grief

Back dated post 22.11.2012 10:14am

I think I can understand why people get angry in challenging situations.

It’s one of the defense mechanism.

It’s an ‘easier’ feeling than to face the knife cuts of your heart.

Get angry, blame someone, blame God.

But where does that leads to?

Grief

In those times, who then can you rely on? But God and God alone.

So I chose not to entertain anger. I pray that I don’t fall into the devil’s trap.

I wrote this during one difficult night praying to be able to go to sleep as I need to drive a 4 hours journey back to Penang.

I really felt like this- on a respirator, keeping me alive with precious oxygen. And I can hear my breathing.

As I lay on my bed trying to sleep,
Watching the clock ticking by,
I realized that its getting harder and harder,
to quiet the cries I have inside.

Knowing that I can lose my mom at anytime,
With many things that I’ve yet to do for her in her lifetime,
cuts me with despair;
as I lay defeated,
similiar to a fish gasping for air.

An image of myself down on the ground I see,
and the only thing that’s helping me breathe;
Is The Word of God,
the Holy Spirit,
my Father,
my Lord,
my Jesus-
the Holy Trinity.

He is the respirator coursing through my veins
keeping my spirits alive
in a steady hum
and with assuring beats,
breathing life into me.

– back dated posting on November 9, 2012