Sorry Taylor Swift, I just can’t shake it off.

Been feeling the bleahs. It’s a major struggle between not wanting to be ungrateful and wondering what the heck is wrong. Just feeling quite blah with work. Even saying it makes me feel so guilty. So ungrateful. I’m supposed to be doing God’s work. Supposed to be serving others, not me.

But.I.can’t.help.it.

I feel bored, stifled, uninspired, doing everything but creating.

I felt trapped to the office desk, to the office, no space to hide and create. Think. Explore. Innovate. Trapped sitting there in front of the computer. Cruel fluorescent lights threatening to blind me, if it haven’t hurt my eyesight yet. Cold, dry air-con sucking every ounce of colour from my face. By afternoon, I look like a walking zombie. Pallid complexion.

If I want to walk away from my desk to get a breather, I don’t know where the heck to go. Everywhere.seems.uninspiring.dark.gloomy. There’s no private space or at least the illusion of it.

A drudgery daily to face the traffic, to face the world, put on make-up, waste time choosing outfit of the day, #OOTD not, get stuck at the cooped-up cubicle, and get stuck in traffic again after an energy-sucking day to be home, cook,  struggle between choosing to do household chores, personal chores, quiet down for reflecting on my day, spending time with family, squeezing whatever’s left for own time to read a few lines, wind down, fret over not having enough sleep to wake up at 6am to spend time with God, stretch, face the traffic, to face the world, put on make-up, waste time choosing outfit of the day, get stuck at the cooped-up cubicle, and get stuck in traffic after an energy-sucking day to be home, cook, struggle between choosing to do  household chores, personal chores, quiet down for reflecting on my day, spending time with family, squeezing whatever left for own time to read a few lines, wind down… Rinse & repeat.

I want to soak in His words. I want to soak in creating… something… content? I don’t want to manage, multi-task, juggle like a clown. I.want.to.focus.on.doing.one.thing.one.area.not.bloody.35 projects at one go. But there seems to be no other way.

I want to give time to friends in need, I have them in my heart every day, I want to hear them talk, I want to give them support, but after not getting to do my own things, I tend to guard whatever that’s left of my time to myself. Shut myself out from the world, even family. Lose myself in writing and whatever. Sabbath can’t be only one day.

Wait a minute. My other voice would protest. Is it about you? You are supposed to serve. So what if you don’t get to do what you want to do. Do you think people on missions get to do what they want to do? What did God say about meeting a need?

What can I cut? I don’t watch TV, I don’t waste time window-shopping… Cut my lunch-time to half?

It’s now 11:30pm. If I continue on, I will have little energy left to reflect on the day, which I hardly do enough, many things are short. I can’t seem to be able to do a quality quiet time in 15 minutes. I think it’s a lie that people said, even 5 minutes with the bible is good. How on earth will I get anything in 5 minutes? There’s not even enough time to reflect, let alone journalling down what God is telling me. If I’m hurried, how on earth can God get through me?

So I think it’s all an evil plot, this fallen world, this modern life. I even wonder, why on earth do we need to do so many things in church when the basics are sufficient – sermon, cg, serve. Why elaborate videos, why design after design, why creative briefs, why the attention on the lights, music volume, this, that, THIS, THAT! When GOD IS ALL YOU NEED.

Why do we do so many things but we don’t do the ONE thing that He wants us to do- TO BE WITH HIM.

Not your miserable 5 minutes. Not your hurried amen. Not even your bible study.

And sorry, for now there’s no positive twist to this article. At least not yet.

#justmyfeelings #notsayingitsright #forgiveme

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