Why do I write?

Why do I write?

I write because it’s the song to my soul.

When I write, I feel every cell in me comes alive. I write—because that’s one of the greatest ways for me to hear myself.

And then I write because of you. The you who resonates not only with the content of my writing but the heart of it. The you who may pause and ponder in mid-sentence through the blog post. The you who just may need that bit of soul-lifting for the day. The you who may say, “someone gets me.”

Most importantly, I write because of Him. I write because He has given me the gift of writing.

I used to shy away from acknowledging this gift. But I’ve been correctly pointed out that—all good gifts come from God—and we are to be grateful. Not only that, we are to use it for good. So I write to give the glory back to God—for He gives me the joy of doing so.

Soli Deo gloria

 


20 days writing prompt series. Day one: I write because…

Discovering my life verse in the Bible

As I retired to bed, I just felt like wanting to read the Bible. So, I took my physical Bible. And not knowing what to read, I asked a simple question, ‘God, what should I read?’ Immediately I heard an answer. A book which begins with an ‘E’. So, I thought, Ephesians? Then it doesn’t feel like that’s the one. Ecclesiastes? Could be!

I quickly thumbed through the introduction of that book. Eugene Peterson brilliantly wrote the intro. And I knew this is what God wants me to read.

As I hungrily complete the last chapter—I came to the final word of that book, which is:

Fear God. Obey His commands.

Or, in the Message version:
Fear God. Do what he tells you.

I like the AMP version, though. Ecclesiastes 12:13

It gives clarity to the phrase ‘fear God’. It removes the unhealthy connotation which may be attached to the word, ‘fear’.

Worship Him. Show profound adoring awed respect. Wow.
Knowing that He is Almighty God. Therefore WORTHY to be worshiped in this manner. Wow.


Next, keep His Commandments.
Gulp.

Now, I know of the Ten Commandments in the Old Testament of the Bible. But I also know of the Great Commandment, which to me, is the mother or rather father of all commandments. This is it.

To quote Matthew 22:35-40 AMP from the Bible:

One of them, a lawyer [an expert in Mosaic Law], asked Jesus a question, to test Him: “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
And Jesus replied to him, “ ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment.
The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself [that is, unselfishly (adjective) seek (verb) the best or higher good for others].’
The whole Law and the [writings of the] Prophets depend on these two commandments.”

To fear God (out of reverence for who He is), to obey His commands to love Him with all my heart, soul, and mind, and to love others as myself…

BAM! I think I’ve found my life verse.


Further references on the Great Commandment from Wikipedia

God’s perfect timing to the start of my inner healing journey.

Let go, let God

Weird how an ugly haircut triggered a series of events…

I wanted to save money on a haircut, so I did something completely out of character. Instead of going to my trusted hairdresser, I took a risk and went to trim my hair at an express hair cut outlet. I walked out looking like I’m about to go to prison. I dread having to face people. #vain

That brought to the surface (weirdly)—years of gunk which I haven’t dealt with but need to.

So, I Whatsapp my pastor and told him these three things:

  1. I’m drained physically and mentally.
  2. I’m furious, cynical, bitter, and resentful. I want to get out from this prison—I don’t know how.
  3. Yes. I still can do my work. But I need space and flexibility to work from home. To sort things out away from the routine of forcing myself to go into the office—and face the increased toil of ‘behaving’ in public when instead, I felt like crashing.

My pastor without further questioning said yes, please go ahead. He understood my situation. #grateful

So I did the responsible thing and informed my team about the temporary plan that I will be in and out of the office more often. I didn’t dive into details. I think they sorta know I’m going through sh*t.


Today, I packed my laptop and stepped out of the office. Felt blur and directionless. Although I wasn’t leaving the office permanently, I felt sad. I asked, now what? I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t have any planned counselling.

There’s a ministering course which I wanted to go to receive inner healing for all these knots and mess, which I’ve been trying so hard to untangle but failed. The course, however, was fully booked until November. I questioned myself, how the heck am I going to get some handles to sort things out; now that I have carved the time to do so.

I started to doubt whether this new routine is worth to do, coz it’s more comfortable to go back to the old routine and plough through work and life. Like I always do.

But I have a hunch that—I can’t go on like this. I need to create space in my life. Space to do what, though, I don’t know. So, I took steps to do so, without knowing what’s next.

Then. In a matter of a few hours, I received news that one person pulled out of the ministering course, and I have the spot, would I want to join? Would I want to join?? Would I want to eat ice-cream on a blistering, hot day? I signed up immediately.

I don’t have to wait until November, coz God knows…(Yeah, He knows!) I only have to wait 1.5 days for the 2-day course to commence.


I don’t know what will happen during or after the ministering course. Would I be in so much emotional pain that I’ll feel like dying? I have been avoiding facing the pains full-on as I’m not sure that I can take it. What would I unearth?

What I do know is—God’s timing. It’s perfect, just like Him—He orchestrated my stepping away from the office and into this (scary) journey. And He loves me so, warts and all. He will walk me through this.

And these are all I need to know for now.⁠⁠⁠⁠

Is saying ‘crap’ the same as saying ‘sh*t’?

Is saying crap the same as saying shit

So, this post is about cussing.

I’m still struggling with cussing. Yeah, I had reduced the intensity. I had certainly placed a cover on my mouth 🙊 and not cuss out loud, the word f*ck (and other more interesting remix). But. It’s still there; the cussing. It’s still in my head. Every day. There, I’ve said it.

I sure wish I’m one of those people who accepted Jesus into their lives, and the next day, they lost the interest in smoking or things like that. Nope. Not me. 😔
It’s like there’s this automatic switch that comes on when I’m annoyed. And don’t get me started when I’m outraged. Man, those cusses are LOUD in my head.

So, I try to do damage control. Instead of saying ‘sh*t’ too often, I sometimes replaced it with ‘crap’.

via GIPHY

I always thought ‘crap’ is a milder version for “sh*t’.

But! Apparently, according to Jimmy Norman from Dysfunctional Literate, ‘crap’ is not a vulgar word!

You go and read it up here.

Does this mean I’m no longer sad?

sadness2.jpg

Today, in church, someone asked how am I doing. I gave a genuine answer, “I’m good.” Does that mean I’m no longer sad?

Over these past few weeks, I do wonder whether I am exaggerating my emotions, even feeling ashamed that perhaps I’m just emotional and a drama-queen. I can’t explain why I don’t mope around with a downward turned lips, that I still can work; heck, laugh and make silly jokes. Then I stumbled upon this article—depression doesn’t make you sad all the time. I think it explained the situation pretty well.

Excerpt: When I’m having a depressive episode, I’m not walking around in tattered black clothes, weeping and wailing.I keep working and have friendly chats with the people I work with. Above all, I experience moments of happiness.

Read the article here.

Do you experience this situation too?

Emotionally unhealthy spirituality aka emotionally screwed. 

So a colleague and I chatted over coffee about le daughter, but another topic popped out instead—he said, by me saying that ‘I compartmentalised whatever I’m going through in order to focus on doing my work’; I may be emotionally unhealthy. 

I looked back at my life and I did detect a pattern—I will force myself to function when all I wanna do is to crawl into a hole and break apart. 

Another pattern is—a lot of going through struggles on my own not knowing who to turn to, apart from God.

I’ve been fed this principle of ‘always go to God first before you go to others’.

Let God work it through. Don’t wanna be this emo person sucking out time & energy from people.

I did that when my mom died from cancer, I did that when my heart was shredded into pieces by le daughter, I did that when life gets really crappy. 

What disturbed me about being emotionally screwed is that I’m going through it without realising. And that it is hindering me from being spiritually mature. 

So I wonder, is that where all the anger, irritability, and sarcasm is coming from? 

What I do know is, I sometimes have this feelings that I will brush aside as being irrational. a cry for help? Anyway! My colleague gave me this set of materials to help me. Well, I’m gonna go through the workbook for the next eight weeks and see how it goes. Emotionally Healthy Spirtuality

Three things that I’m most grateful for today—20 Oct 2016

1. The tiff with hubs before leaving for work.

Tiff—a petty quarrel, especially one between friends or lovers.

What is there to be thankful about in a petty argument? Well, the realisation that it’s petty. And stupid.
It’s over the same issue of my hubs lacking the built-in mechanism to give acknowledgement and affirmation, which is a love language of mine. Love language is ways that people speak and understand emotional love. We do have to learn our partner’s love language. Erm, it’ll bring more spark to the relationship, that I can tell you. But, the way I reacted to his lack of demonstration was so unnecessary. What a waste of energy!
So yeah, I hope I’ll react this way less.
Understand more about the 5 love languages and take a test to know what’s your (and your partner’s or kids) love language.

2. I witnessed someone accepting Jesus into her life.

I have the joy and privilege of witnessing a lady in her 50s saying a simple prayer and accepting Christ into her life today. As I know how my life had turned around when I get to know God; I witnessed today’s momentous occasion with a constipated-happy expression on my face. That, and trying hard not to cry many happy tears.

3. Spending intentional time with daughter.

Made appointment to catch up with her in the living room. Lol.
Not looking to do idle talk, but a meaningful conversation instead. You know what’s weird? It’s being with a person for almost 10 years, and this person turns into a teenager, and suddenly you are left wondering, hang on, who’s this?
I’ll still be playing the role of a parent, but I’ll leave the lecture out of the conversation. Hopefully, I can model what this article says about talking to a teenager.

Maybe I should get a beer to go with the conversation.