My late mom’s wish

‘I want to swim again’, said my late mom to her oncologist when at her stage-4 cancer; he asked what is it that she wants to do. (To encourage her). Fight she did, but she never got the chance to go into the pool ever again.

What is it that you want to do, need to do; even if it’s just a simple thing, but you are giving yourself excuses not to? Or, are you questioning ‘does it matter to do what I’m doing?’

I question myself that many times about my role in the church office. I question my blogging, writing about God. I question myself even over this 365daily word thingy. Does it matter? Will it make a difference to other people? Hubs told me: Even if you do it, you may not know in your lifetime. But if you don’t do it, you will NEVER know and will live with this niggling thought. Maybe even at my death bed, regret.

So. swim.

Still missing my mummy after two years

You’ve answered some of my silliest littlest prayers like, ‘Dear God, help me enjoy the process of this dreaded grocery shopping and housekeeping.’

In my immature way, I wished and wished my prayer of letting my mom be with me for much longer be traded with the rest and be answered instead.

I wished that she has the chance now to enjoy a better daughter; since He made me a better person through the process of growing in Christ. We would have such a wonderful relationship now that I’ve learnt how to love.

But Your ways are a mystery. And it’s beyond my comprehension.

The only comfort and the most important one at that is I’m assured that mummy is safe with You in heaven. Two years free of earthly pain, suffering and sorrow.

Are we teenagers to God too?

Some recurring incidents with my teen had triggered these thoughts in me.
Parenting a child is hard.
Parenting a teen is heartbreaking.
I shudder to think if I ever have another child (of my own blood)…
So goes my Whatsapp to a friend whom I know won’t judge me with a wagging finger for thinking such un-motherly thoughts.
She comforted me saying that she knows perfectly lovely parents who want to strangle their kids plus hamster in tow.
“Thank you for making me feel normal,” I said.

My angry thoughts—For what we have done for our teen, the love we gave her, the sacrifices… She can disappoint and hurt us by repeatedly telling lies to our face, be disobedient, selfish (chose own pleasures over other people’s needs)… Despite us doing what we can; talk gently to her, reasoning, punishment, some threats when we get desperate, prayed together… She is still repeating the same mistakes, especially lying. It breaks my heart. How ungrateful of her to repay us with these.

But as I was blow drying my hair, this other thought/voice/conscience came to me—What about me? As a child of God, I’m giving the same treatment to my Heavenly Father. As much as I know how much He has done for me at the cross and loves me, don’t I break His heart time & again disobeying what He asks me to do, or not to do? I’m selfish too, placing busyness and things that are more appealing to my own pleasures over Him? He must be heartbroken too.

Yet He still loves me unconditionally. He forgives. He patiently watches as I repeat the same mistake, and when I’m done, send me some lessons to learn from it. He never falters. With that, I got a bit more different perspective on this parenting situation and felt comforted. Of course, comparing God’s standard and human’s standard is futile. So, here’s my prayer:

Dear Father,

Thank You for always being with me. Thank You even for those hard lessons You’ve allowed to happen in my life. I’m sorry at times I’m thick-headed and still insist on doing things my way. I guess, this will never end until the day I go Home to You. But I pray that You will help me to become more mature in my ways. I pray that You’ll help me to obey You more. And place You at the center. Help me and hubs to parent our teen the way You want us to. With a lot of wisdom & discipline built on a solid foundation of love. Let her experience Your Fatherly love through us. I ask this in Jesus name, I pray, Amen.

What I do on Mondays

The most wonderful things about Monday off-days:The house is all quiet.
I raise my hands.
I lift my voice;
I twirl around the house singing love songs to Him.
I read my books.
I devour The Message bible.
I pause once in a while to soak it all in. I smell the aroma of brewed coffee.
With a contented smile I said, yeah… just hanging out, me & my Dad.

This girl is seriously in love.


Dear Heavenly Father,

I love how You love me enough to let me fall.

To allow me to slide down the ravines of life, again & again, trying to climb up on my own…injuring myself badly, only to finally be desperate enough to look up.

There You are. Your hands stretched out to me. Ever ready to pull me out. Your arm opens, every ready to hold me in them and embrace me. “You are safe, you are safe, hush child, shh… you are safe.”

Your assurance. You are always here.

I love how You broke me into pieces, this child of Yours whom You’;ve created.

And with pain in Your heart, You watched me as I destroy my own life and crumbles.

Didn’t know who You are. Ridiculing You. Arrogantly declaring I have no need for You in my life. I denied You. I denied Your existance.

Yet. Patiently, You’ve waited for me to come home.

And boy. Did I run home. Did I run as hard as I could to Your arms. Crying, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry Father for all that I’ve done. I’m sorry. I ask for Your forgiveness even when You had forgiven every-single-thing-I’d-done-that-breaks-Your-heart.

Thank You Father. Thank you for breaking me. Blessed are the poor in spirit, for there is the Kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

You are blessed when you get your inside world- your mind and heart – put right. Then, you can see God in the outside world.

Indeed.

Lord, I’m amazed by You, how You love me.