sadness

The loneliness of our pain

I remember the feelings when I plunged into something like depression, and I don’t know who to turn to. It felt like I’m drowning in this dark void of awful loneliness. So alone. Like everything inside of me, my soul, just sinking into this pool of black ink. Everywhere I look, pitch black; a potent cocktail of desperation and violent rage.

I’ve been taught by the world that emotions and feelings are not to be trusted. So, I’ve learnt to box them up.

Unknowingly, I became an expert in compartmentalising my pain. I didn’t do it on purpose, somewhere along my life, I just learn how to function normally.

I don’t know how to open up. Who to turn to that won’t:
Judge
Preach
Advise
Tell
Condemn
or worse, ask me to justify my feelings.

I tried to rationalise it away. My problems are small compared to the world.

I tried to pray it away. But the sadness stayed.

I tried to coat it with Words from the Bible. Nothing sticks.

I tried to escape it with Frasier. The laughter lasted only as long as the sitcom.

I felt guilty for feeling this way. I asked myself mockingly, “are you being melodramatic?”

Chin up! The world says.

In fact, someone commented on my blog, “try not to be too dramatic!” I felt at once ashamed that I may be emotional. But angry too, for being judged.

Herein lies the problem. Some of us are just too quick to pass comments based on our views. Some of us, too busy to pause and listen. We have talkers, speakers, self-help, no-help, preachers, teachers. But we need more listeners. People to listen without passing judgement.

I just heard a sermon last week that the shortest verse in the Bible is—

Jesus wept

He is not dispassionate. He is empathetic in our weakness. He does not tell us to be less dramatic nor fault us for feeling sad. I draw comfort from knowing that.

 

Don’t apologise for mourning, grieving or weeping. God comes into our pain and feels with us. He will also bring along the right people to walk alongside with us through this wall. Please reach out.

 

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Does this mean I’m no longer sad?

Today, in church, someone asked how am I doing. I gave a genuine answer, “I’m good.” Does that mean I’m no longer sad?

Over these past few weeks, I do wonder whether I am exaggerating my emotions, even feeling ashamed that perhaps I’m just emotional and a drama-queen. I can’t explain why I don’t mope around with a downward turned lips, that I still can work; heck, laugh and make silly jokes. Then I stumbled upon this article—depressions doesn’t make you sad all the time. I think it explained the situation pretty well.

Excerpt: When I’m having a depressive episode, I’m not walking around in tattered black clothes, weeping and wailing.I keep working and have friendly chats with the people I work with. Above all, I experience moments of happiness.

Read the article here.

Do you experience this situation too?