A plot to distract my mission

In the middle of crying and looping down, thinking about mummy, my perceived failed relationship with my daughter, the strife and snide remarks from parents in law over the years, the injustice of them, just too much… I find myself drifting away and away from God…
I asked in my head, why? What do I have to do to get back to you God?
Why am I like this?
One word immediately came into my mind – disobedience.

I ignored it and continued to spiral down.
I cried out, mummy, take me with you…

I stopped short of that when that horrible thought came into my mind.

At once I recognized this!
It’s the devil scheme to distract me away from God.

Ever since I started serving full time in church, my once good relationship with my daughter started to strain. Everything she does hurts me. I chose not to love but harbor resentment. – Disobedient.

I chose not to forgive. – Disobedient.

Things started getting on my nerves more. – Disobedient.

I’m feeling less happier.

And now I know it’s the evil plot to pull me away from joy. Joy comes from God.
The evil plot to render me powerless. Focused on myself.

Dear Lord, thank you for giving me life.
Thank you for your power and wisdom.
Lord, shelter your lambs from the evil ones.
Let us place our eyes on You.
Amen.

Missed call from mi

Was busy in the study room. Mobile phone rang. Didn’t bother to walk out and answer it as it was in the living room.
When I settled down and check the missed call, and I thought eh, mi called me

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Split second later it recovered from the confusion because it knows it was my step dad using my mi’s phone to call me.

Mi calling me is something that will never ever happen again.

She always reminds me to call her every Sunday. Now I don’t have to.

I don’t have to do anything for her anymore. Whether I like it or it suits my schedule.
Her schedule has nothing to do with me anymore.

I can’t even describe the pain.

Let me move far far away

Let me move far far awayAway from these pool of bitterness
Away from these injustice
Away from these hurts
Away from these pain

Let me move far far away
Where I can be free
Where I am me

This place does not exist
It’s not real
It’s not on earth
It’s a dream

It exist only when God becomes bigger than me
It exist only when love is bigger than the hurts

But at this point, I’m just down on my knees with hurts and bitter talk slashing my heart. Anger turned inward.

Let me move far far away from these.

Spirit, lifted!

Can’t stop being amazed how many times my spirit was lifted by great worship. From the heart. Simple. Anytime. Zero calories.

Worship along. Lift your hands. Lift your spirit.

God is our victory (By True Worshippers from Indonesia)

You’re the one who stands before us
You’re the one who brought us out from the darkness
You’re the mighty god who saves us
When the storms and fires are raging all around us
If god is for us who’ll stand against us?
Who can separate us from the love of christ?
If god is for us who can divide us?
You have overcome the world by your great love
Let god arise, let god arise
Let us behold him and bow down
He leads us all through battles won
God is our victory, we shall rise
God is our victory

Miss

Oh how I hunger for Your words. How I hunger for mine.
Merely reading the bible and not quiet down to listen is not nourishing.

I miss writing. I miss my blog. I miss listening to myself as I write. I miss pouring out myself to no-one in particular (Erm, but a digital journal?)

I miss closing my eyes and all I feel deep down is a steady heart-beat and peace.

I miss God.