Of heaven and my mom the angel

Today is Christmas Day.It’s the day when Jesus is born.

It’s also the 1st anniversary of my mom’s baptism.

A month that my mom has gone home to the Lord.

I wonder how heaven is like?

I wonder if she can see us from heaven?

I wonder if God appoint her to be an angel in heaven now?

But she must be. I think she is an angel sent down to earth many years ago and now her job is done.

For how can anyone love so many people unconditionally?

How can she be so ever forgiving to her mother whom abandoned 5 of them when they can barely fend for themselves at ages 6, 10, 16…??!!

How can she give so much love?

How can she sacrifice so much without asking for anything in return?

How can she do all these if not for love?

And Christ is love. And forgiveness. Therefore she must be an angel sent from God.

I wonder if I can still say sorry to her for all my wrongs.

Or is it unnecessary to do so in heaven?

I know I’m forgiven. Both by Jesus and by my mom. But I really just want to say I’m sorry that I repay her sacrifices with ungrateful things I had done.

I wonder if she had a great party in heaven today since its Christmas?

Is she sleeping on soft, fluffy clouds?

I wonder if God’s voice is the only voice I can hear or I can too hear her voice?

I wonder and wonder, will she be my mummy forever and ever when we meet one day in heaven?

Abba Father, your answers?

When night falls, grief goes up

I noticed that the pain increases especially at night, and especially before bed time.
I miss my mom so much. It’s almost a month! But I still can’t believe it at times that she is no longer around.

The missing part is awful. So much so that I caught my mind saying sometimes, this s*cks!!!!!
Though this kind of word doesn’t help any bit but only make me feel worse.

I miss my pretty mom. I miss her smile. I miss her voice. I miss seeing her dancing. I miss her cooking. I miss her hugs. I miss her smell. I miss kissing her. I miss stroking her short just grown hair after chemo. I miss squeezing her manicured soft hands.

This is awful, simple awful.

Mom is now clothed with garment of praise

While reading Matthew Henry’s commentary of 2 Corinthians 5, I’m comforted again by these words that my mom is indeed in a very very very good place, praise Him!

Death will strip us of the clothing of flesh, and all the comforts of life, as well as put an end to all our troubles here below. Naked we came into this world, and naked shall we go out of it. But, [2.] Gracious souls are not found naked in the other world; no, they are clothed with garments of praise, with robes of righteousness and glory. They shall be delivered out of all their troubles, and shall have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb, Rev. 7:14 .3. The believer’s assurance of his interest in this future blessedness, on a double account:—(1.)

And the pace slows down

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… And I feel God again.

2nd day of Boracay. The postcard perfect getaway so says the reviews.

Trying not to be ungrateful, for we had to go through some challenges to be able to take this holiday… But I wasn’t ‘feeling it’ until just now.

Yes the sea is turquoise, the sand is white, the beer is cheap, the food is good, weather is nice…
But deep inside, I’m not feeling excited, nor too joyful.

That is until 5:10pm when I started reading How to hear from God.
On the beach, unplanned, music plugged in, people buzzing by.

Then it happened, the pace slows down. I see.
I see- with my heart.
And I felt tears welled up.
I felt peace. I felt joy. I felt God again.

Even for a short moment, I’m grateful.
Nothing can replace that.

God is my refuge in times of grief

I know clearly of the danger in letting the devil gets into my mind. Letting anger eats me up. Despair pinning me to the ground.

So I’m clinging on even more to God.

Praise Lord for giving me mature sisters in Christ to support me through my grief.
And also a wonderful husband, daughter, family and true friends.

But on my own, I’m helping myself to go through it in a way that helps rather than pull me down further.

I found this bible study guide some time ago, I guess there is no better time to go through it than now.

I acknowledge my pain. Not suppressing it. I cried when I need to.

But I’m not letting it destroy me by doing foolish stuff.

Instead of seeking refuge in the world- food? alcohol? things that temporarily distract? I’m seeking refuge in God.

Only He can fill the emptiness and heals the wound.

Thank you, Lord for being with me.