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Lost and found

Sent dad off to Japan. Fighting back tears. For someone who doesn’t have a father in her life and seems to be okay, this is weird.

The time where I gave my bio dad the first and last hug during his last days, thinking I will have a chance to do it again…but not knowing that is the only chance; unconsciously perhaps i am scarred.

My heart still hurts when I think of it. Maybe I am trying to shake off the guilt and regret. He was in terminal stage of cancer, what was I thinking?For a convenient time to go back to visit him or give a call? I never made the phone call.

Today sending (step) dad off to airport stirs up the feelings again. Some part of me was saying, I just lost a father (when bio dad passed away). Now I have one, and he is going away again. (to work).

It’s a weird complicated feeling that I haven’t examined as with a lot of other feelings in my heart. How can you lose someone you never have? ( as in the case of bio dad).

Hate fighting back tears and counting to 10, 10, 10. It gives me a bad headache.